me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
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Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.