me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
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philosophical skeletons be like
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
the rocks need my help
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop