Me: God, I just feel so
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
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My heart hurts when you’re not around
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in urns.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
BEN AFFLECK: I’m directing a new movie and I was thinking about you for the lead role
BEN AFFLECK: Well I’m obviously very flattered
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst.
Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess