me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat

friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony

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Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.


Can someone write an article on millenials killing the doorbell industry by texting “here”


Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.


Hey girl are you a Sony Pictures movie because I wanna [end of joke redacted due to foreign pressure]


Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.


If you were my gf, I’d have a warm bath and a meal ready for when you got home every day

Her: I’m your wife

Like I said, if you were my gf


Friend: do you regret becoming a father?

Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

Friend: you want the rest of my fries?

Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.


Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?

Me: Two.

4-year-old: It was nine.

Teaching her to count was a mistake.


Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?