me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
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universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon