@AndrewChamings

me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat

friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony

You Might Also Like

@JohnLyonTweets

Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.

@youngandjoven

Can someone write an article on millenials killing the doorbell industry by texting “here”

@AngelaEhh

Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.

@Sickayduh

Hey girl are you a Sony Pictures movie because I wanna [end of joke redacted due to foreign pressure]

@MoneypennyNaked

Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.

@mstern68

If you were my gf, I’d have a warm bath and a meal ready for when you got home every day

Her: I’m your wife

Like I said, if you were my gf

@daddydoubts

Friend: do you regret becoming a father?

Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

Friend: you want the rest of my fries?

Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?

Me: Two.

4-year-old: It was nine.

Teaching her to count was a mistake.

@Sharronica

Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?