me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
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translated into Canadian
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread