Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
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I’ve never been skydiving, but I’ve zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
*leans into microphone*
My question is for Salt-N-Pepa.
Hi.”Push It” is about takin a dump, right?
*hands friend $5*
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
[in the club]
Me: did it hurt?
Cute Girl: excuse me?
Me: when I kicked you. out on the dance floor. did it hurt?
Cute Girl: yes it did.
Me: once again I am so sorry.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
You hate it
“No I just didn’t think we’d spend our anniversary here”
“What was that?!”
The bouncy castle is deflating
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Me: Cleaning the basement.
12yo boy: Let me know if u need help.
13yo girl: Let me know when you’re done.
Yep…throwing out HER crap.