Me after taking a million selfies and not looking good in any of them

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Wife: Why are you wearing that?

Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué

Wife: You mean risqué?

Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right


I’ve never been skydiving, but I’ve zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast.


Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.


*leans into microphone*
My question is for Salt-N-Pepa.
“Hi” “Hey”
Hi.”Push It” is about takin a dump, right?
“No” “Nope”
*hands friend $5*


i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did


[in the club]

Me: did it hurt?

Cute Girl: excuse me?

Me: when I kicked you. out on the dance floor. did it hurt?

Cute Girl: yes it did.

Me: once again I am so sorry.


Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza


You hate it
“No I just didn’t think we’d spend our anniversary here”
“What was that?!”
The bouncy castle is deflating


My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.


Me: Cleaning the basement.

12yo boy: Let me know if u need help.

13yo girl: Let me know when you’re done.

Yep…throwing out HER crap.