I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
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Did U hear they’re remaking ‘Dirty Dancing’ & Miley Cyrus is gonna play the abortion.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
I see you from across the room and falter. My breath catches as my pupils dilate with desire.
You, a muffin, remain motionless.
I wish IKEA was more like Lego.. on the back of the box it would show you 4 other things you could make from the same materials.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
My ex-husband once gave me a book called Banish Your Belly, Butt, and Thighs, and the fact that he’s now Single, Bald, and Fat is one time the universe has come through for me.