@iwearaonesie

me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it

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@IvyelleWright

This bank pen tastes like it’s been in a lot of other people’s mouths

@Rhythms_n_Booze

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Honestly I’m so shit faced I have no idea.

@SardonicTart

*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”

*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”

@CrankyPappy

I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.

@sploosk

ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no

@kelkulus

Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish

@lilgapeach30

Siri just said I’m looking for love in all the wrong places so I’m tryin to figure out what happened to Siri and how my mom got in my phone.

@rolldiggity

Even scarier than seeing a shark fin in the water is seeing a lion mane, because you know the chase isn’t over once you reach land.

@leechee420

Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”