This bank pen tastes like it’s been in a lot of other people’s mouths
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Honestly I’m so shit faced I have no idea.
“Omg I love it”
*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Siri just said I’m looking for love in all the wrong places so I’m tryin to figure out what happened to Siri and how my mom got in my phone.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
Even scarier than seeing a shark fin in the water is seeing a lion mane, because you know the chase isn’t over once you reach land.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”