me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it

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Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?

Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth


Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*



Priest: Look she might come back


Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.


I’m afraid I’m gonna need more alcohol to be in this relationship with me


Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”


People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.


So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.


You may be too old for her if she asks you what your kink is and you immediately think of your knees and your back.