me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
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Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Me trying to reach for my goals
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Sorry. Not sorry
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.