@iwearaonesie

me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it

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@vineyille

I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”

@RandiLawson

Did U hear they’re remaking ‘Dirty Dancing’ & Miley Cyrus is gonna play the abortion.

@SirEviscerate

*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…

@brittwastaken

I see you from across the room and falter. My breath catches as my pupils dilate with desire.

You, a muffin, remain motionless.

@Malocallidus

I wish IKEA was more like Lego.. on the back of the box it would show you 4 other things you could make from the same materials.

@AndyAsAdjective

KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?

BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…

@ShittyComedian

Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.

@junejuly12

Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard

Her: Okay

Him: You don’t mind?

Her: Nope

Him: Great

Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce

Him: You’ve made your point

@roxiqt

[before tattoos were invented]

ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day

@thebitchyfairy

My ex-husband once gave me a book called Banish Your Belly, Butt, and Thighs, and the fact that he’s now Single, Bald, and Fat is one time the universe has come through for me.