@iwearaonesie
@Kids_kubed
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
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@Kids_kubed
@ArfMeasures
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
@imdaintyaf
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
@TheWidowmakerX
I’m afraid I’m gonna need more alcohol to be in this relationship with me
@silent_musings
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
@WriterLifeCo
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
@katiefzack
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
@GeorgeTakei
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
@tsm560
You may be too old for her if she asks you what your kink is and you immediately think of your knees and your back.
@NikiWithIssues
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3