@iwearaonesie

me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it

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@Kids_kubed

Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?

Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth

@ArfMeasures

Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*

Priest:

Me:

Priest: Look she might come back

@imdaintyaf

Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.

@TheWidowmakerX

I’m afraid I’m gonna need more alcohol to be in this relationship with me

@silent_musings

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

@katiefzack

People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.

@GeorgeTakei

So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.

@tsm560

You may be too old for her if she asks you what your kink is and you immediately think of your knees and your back.