[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
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A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
That’s not how days work.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
The “baby” on the left….
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.