@VisionBored1

Me, age 18: I can’t wait to have a full time job with a regular pay check so I can buy whatever I want

Me, age 38: *splurges on the ‘nice’ garbage bags and feels guilty*

Me, age 18: I can’t wait to have a full time job with a regular pay check so I can buy whatever I want

Me, age 38: *splurges on the ‘nice’ garbage bags and feels guilty*

- @VisionBored1

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@scott_towel

Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.

@crunchenhancer

Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..

but if you do, get the dental work first.

@tastefactory

You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.

@McCutty1

She won’t admit she’s obsessed with Instagram…

But her kids’ names are Brannan, Kelvin, and Valencia.

@mattZillaaaa

[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too

@sonictyrant

Me: *wearing a crystal chandelier*

Store Assistant: can i help you sir?

Me: how much for this disco poncho?

@djdarrellripley

Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.

Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?

@haleysfalling

patrick henry: GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH
bad people: ok, death
patrick henry: [turns around and whispers] guys this was not smart

@TDeeRock

You know what Victoria’s Secret is.. Over charging you for a tiny piece of fabric that can be pushed aside by a tongue.