Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
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These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
What if the weather talks about us?
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
those birds must be on payroll
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble