Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
british sex workers really pound for pound
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
I’m about to risk it all
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.