Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
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[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Hero horse inspires millions
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules