*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
You Might Also Like
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
My date said he wasn’t looking for anything serious like I was trying to help him solve cold case files and shit.
I’m white and my wife is black. I’m trying to convince her we should adopt a Chinese baby so we can tell people that’s how they are made
If any of you ladies want pancakes for breakfast, just come over….you can make them here, because I want some too
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.