Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
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Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.