@JJSummertime

Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.

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@ThisOneSayz

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

@Reverend_Scott

Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.

@IcyAndSpicy

Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.

I need sex to help my sex life, not food.

@primawesome

“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”

@Sassafrantz

My date said he wasn’t looking for anything serious like I was trying to help him solve cold case files and shit.

@WildeThingy

I’m white and my wife is black. I’m trying to convince her we should adopt a Chinese baby so we can tell people that’s how they are made

@imagine_vegas

If any of you ladies want pancakes for breakfast, just come over….you can make them here, because I want some too

@SteveSuckington

Boss: “you’re fired”

Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”

@upidaisy

woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk

@WalkingOutside

Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.