me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
You Might Also Like
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job