me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
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[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.