me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.


You Might Also Like


[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
Now watch as I try to put it out


I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad


Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!

Wife: I don’t like where this is going.

Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.

Wife: I’ll be at the bar


*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right


Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.


if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you


I grew up just a stone’s throw away from where that whole family died of mysterious head injuries


My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.

He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.


As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.