@iamspacegirl

me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.

refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES

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@internetluke

[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out

@mattZillaaaa

I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!

Wife: I don’t like where this is going.

Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.

Wife: I’ll be at the bar

@cwhudson

*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right

@TheTweetOfGod

Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.

@imteddybless

if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you

@davidkenny100

I grew up just a stone’s throw away from where that whole family died of mysterious head injuries

@Joust_A_Minute

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.

He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.

@CYComedy

As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.