me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
You Might Also Like
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
I found your tweet-up…
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate