Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
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My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.