Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
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*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed