Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
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I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
I am patiently waiting for your email
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
The booster protects against what, now?
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]