Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
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*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Damn what did I do next
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
this is the best interaction on twitter