ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
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*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.