@ArfMeasures

ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:

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@Mom_Overboard

Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.

Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*

Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.

@lazerdoov

Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once

@juliussharpe

If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they’d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.

@jjhartinger

I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.

@hippieswordfish

*suddenly awakes*
honey! i just had a nightmare that i was naked at a job interview, licking BBQ sauce off the guy’s face

interviewer: ummm

@tsm560

My ex-girlfriend is getting divorced from my ex-best friend and I didn’t think it was possible to be this happy.

@BoomBoomBetty

The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.

@iamspacegirl

when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit

@FeralCrone

A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.