Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
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So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.