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Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
first you must answer his riddles
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Sell your car
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?