[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
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When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
it was love at first sight
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.