@mostlysharks

me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME

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@TheMichaelRock

I hate when my wife says “GO WAIT IN THE CAR” because I’m not sure if she’s talking to me or the kids.

@Surhailo

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

@karanbirtinna

Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?

@TheToddWilliams

Daddy, where do bananas come from?

Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…

@SteveKoehler22

When I hear the word “aftermath” –
it always makes me hungry.

At school, lunch period followed
Math class, so we ate “aftermath”

@Sickayduh

[Phone rings]
Babysitter: Hello?
Dude: Dont. Go. Upstairs.
Babysitter: Wha.. What’s upstairs?
Dude: NOT MUCH, STAIRS, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

@WheelTod

Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.

@SortaBad

I’ve been informed by TSA that my man-bun is not allowed on the plane. They fear a riot from horny women clamoring to sit next to me

@mogvvai

This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere