@KielyHealey

Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”

Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants

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@pattonoswalt

I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.

@ArfMeasures

KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here

ME: Oh no!

WIFE: Talk to him

ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE

@hippieswordfish

ME: isn’t this great??
WIFE: not really
ME: *looks down from the top bunk* what’s wrong

@KWalps

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!

Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Dracula: *sighing* I guess.

@TheCamelToe_

I swapped my wife’s tampons with party poppers. Absolutely no sense of humour that girl..

@MarkTConard

Someone hash-tagged “share the love,” and I read it as “shave the love.” I thought, yeah, I can get on board with that.

@Kid_topher

Buzzfeed: 9 Ways to Know You’re Dating a Real Woman and Not a Burrito

@TheDizzyBeauty

When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace

@xxsomebunnyxx

A French fry so long that you’re just like ‘I would like to shake the hand of the potato this came from’