Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”

Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants

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I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.


[Gone for an hour]

Boss: Where have you been?

Me: There was a new roll of toilet paper in the bathroom and I couldn’t find the beginning.


Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.


I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.


*at Wal-Mart*

Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle

Me: It’s not us this time

*we fist bump*


Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.


Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.

~Me flirting