Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
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meanwhile over on facebook
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread