I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
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britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
[Gone for an hour]
Boss: Where have you been?
Me: There was a new roll of toilet paper in the bathroom and I couldn’t find the beginning.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Why do we call them “stoners” and not “your highness”
shes shocked about being pregnant? LMAO
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.