Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
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[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.