Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
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Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)