Me: Alexa, take me back to a time before I said that stupid thing.

Alexa: which one?

Me: touché

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Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way


If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.


me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles

1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?


Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.


“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”


Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol


If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up


This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.


“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words


Friend: Does Jesus live in you?

Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.