Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
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Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again