@sweetmomissa

Me: Alexa, take me back to a time before I said that stupid thing.

Alexa: which one?

Me: touché

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@treydayway

Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way

@designersays

If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.

@BBolander

me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles

1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?

@jctwritesstuff

Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.

@slimmy_shady

“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”

@Jake_Vig

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

@heykyleharris

If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up

@PyrBliss

This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.

@pattonoswalt

“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words

@ShootyDoody

Friend: Does Jesus live in you?

Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.