I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
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me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.