me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
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Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
everyone’s a critic
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit