Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
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Professor: That’s him, officers
I work with a guy named Rick.
I’m pretty sure he spells his name with a silent “P.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
At what age is it acceptable to completely let yourself go physically? Please say 44
I’m 53 but my back turned 105 yesterday
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
A cannibal and his vegetarian friend go to brunch. They both order a danish.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.