Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?

Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?

M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa

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Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?

Me: the hospital.

Wife: what happened?

Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.

Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.



Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.


Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream

Professor: That’s him, officers


I work with a guy named Rick.

I’m pretty sure he spells his name with a silent “P.”


“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays


At what age is it acceptable to completely let yourself go physically? Please say 44


I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.


Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.


A cannibal and his vegetarian friend go to brunch. They both order a danish.


Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.