Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
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You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
My boss called in sick of me
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].