@Love_bug1016

Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?

Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.

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@kavoinooi

I hate when my cat brings in a dead bird and I have to pretend I enjoy eating it so I don’t hurt his feelings

@meghaffer

*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*

@WilliamAder

Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.

@GoddessTitty

My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass

@SentenceReduced

[Talking Heads GPS]

YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.

@Average_Dad1

[after coronavirus]

Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home

Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?

@SunshineJarboly

when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo

@LetsQuoteComedy

In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.

@1CleverGirl1

3 days ago I ate my daughters’s m&m’s while she was napping. When she woke I told her the cat ate ’em She’s still mad at the cat. Dumb kid.

@iGreenMonk

I always put a crouton on my ice cream sundaes instead of a cherry. That way, it counts as a salad!