me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
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Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.