Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
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*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”