Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
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What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”