Me :
All Day At Night
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“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
just gave your address to some spiders
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.