Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
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Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
This is my pinned tweet
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….