@SondraDeeMe

ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!

JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.

ME: Again, with the judging.

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@TheAndrewNadeau

GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right

@randomapeig

Cop: seen anything unusual?

Me: a dolphin with a hat once

Cop: I mean around here

Me: nah they live in water

@ibid78

[commercial]
[man comes home after long day, opens front door and is attacked by 8 cats]
MAN: There has to be a better way!
Narrator: DOGS

@themeredith

I love when guys ask how big my tits are like as if men have any idea what bra sizes mean. I could tell a guy I’m a WD-40 and he would be like “omg so hot”

@Birdhumms

Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell

@causticbob

A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”

“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”

@Burnam1

Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party

@chuuew

911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]

@Mr_Kapowski

[gently brushes your hair out of your face]

“You’re gonna be so pissed when you wake up and see your haircut,” I whisper

@WheelTod

Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”