ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
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Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.