ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
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Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.