@Ygrene

Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]

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@CulturedRuffian

I SCREAM,

YOU SCREAM,

WE ALL SCREAM,

BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO

WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!

@trojansauce

*wears one gryffindor and one slytherin sock to work to represent the internal human struggle between good and evil*

@UncleDuke1969

Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.

@lecalabara

I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.

@LuckoftheDraw86

I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.

#goodplan

@Mr_Kapowski

To the cars honking behind me,

Sorry I held up the drive thru line for 5 minutes counting to make sure I got all 50 of my McNuggets

@dumbbeezie

Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them

@McClaneJohn2

Why do people put ice cream in a bowl when it already comes in one?