WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
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This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
*wears one gryffindor and one slytherin sock to work to represent the internal human struggle between good and evil*
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
To the cars honking behind me,
Sorry I held up the drive thru line for 5 minutes counting to make sure I got all 50 of my McNuggets
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Why do people put ice cream in a bowl when it already comes in one?