ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
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If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
lmao
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.