Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
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Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days