Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
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*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
This has made my week.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them