me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
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What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Name this drama.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.