me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later

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Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.

Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.


Asked the burd in Krispy kremes for 5 Nutella donuts and she says “have you got any nut allergies” aye pal I’m planning suicide by donut


Me: Sorry I got drunk and ate all the bacon.

Wife: You ate Beggin’ Strips.

*me to the dog* Sorry I got drunk and ate all of your bacon.


Social Life Status: My friends are balloons with faces drawn on them. Stuart. My best friend. Popped two days ago.


A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”


“Whose funeral was this photo taken at?” John, serious tone: “I dunno. Let’s see who’s missing” possible funniest thing john has said


God talked to Jews like 500 times in the Old Testament, and not one warning about the Nazis.


If you play a NIickelback song backwards you’ll hear messages from the illuminant.Even worse, if you play it forward you’ll hear NIickelback


“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders