@MattTheBrand

me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later

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@Mom_Overboard

Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.

Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.

@_RyanBryce

Asked the burd in Krispy kremes for 5 Nutella donuts and she says “have you got any nut allergies” aye pal I’m planning suicide by donut

@TheMichaelRock

Me: Sorry I got drunk and ate all the bacon.

Wife: You ate Beggin’ Strips.

*me to the dog* Sorry I got drunk and ate all of your bacon.

@Breadery

Social Life Status: My friends are balloons with faces drawn on them. Stuart. My best friend. Popped two days ago.

@AndyAsAdjective

A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”

@chrissyteigen

“Whose funeral was this photo taken at?” John, serious tone: “I dunno. Let’s see who’s missing” possible funniest thing john has said

@JRehling

God talked to Jews like 500 times in the Old Testament, and not one warning about the Nazis.

@LOsepyan

If you play a NIickelback song backwards you’ll hear messages from the illuminant.Even worse, if you play it forward you’ll hear NIickelback

@SerenityRising

“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders