If you’re walking by an abandoned bookstore & the front door opens for no reason, go into that bookstore.
Me: alright early to bed
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
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“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
My boyfriend said he had a Catwoman fantasy. I must have misunderstood because we both wore leather cat suits to bed last night.
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.