Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
You Might Also Like
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
nature’s most graceful animal
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Golf would be better with landmines.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better