Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
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I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting