friend: “we should have a drink sometime”
*never contacts them again*
Me: Always follow the science.
Also me: Thunders comin’, I can feel it in me noggin.
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Why do you want to be a psychiatrist?
*pictures clients acting like chickens after I click my fingers*
I want to help people
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”
Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
As a Canadian my first objective is to protect the poutine
Go ahead lady, call the cops. I have witnesses that say your toddler started it.
Time to get ready for work
Insomnia – OK. You can sleep now.