Me: Always follow the science.
Also me: Thunders comin’, I can feel it in me noggin.

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friend: “we should have a drink sometime”

*never contacts them again*


*job interview*
Why do you want to be a psychiatrist?
*pictures clients acting like chickens after I click my fingers*
I want to help people


“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”

Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.


I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.


me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!

wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!


Go ahead lady, call the cops. I have witnesses that say your toddler started it.