@li4mst3w4rt
friend: “we should have a drink sometime”
*never contacts them again*
@soulindivision2
Me: Always follow the science.
Also me: Thunders comin’, I can feel it in me noggin.
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@li4mst3w4rt
@ShutUpThatsWho
*job interview*
Why do you want to be a psychiatrist?
*pictures clients acting like chickens after I click my fingers*
I want to help people
@Marcmywords2
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
@roxiqt
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
@saraschaefer1
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
@mortimermaiden
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
@iwearaonesie
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
@skedaddle74
As a Canadian my first objective is to protect the poutine
@TastyTuneTweets
Go ahead lady, call the cops. I have witnesses that say your toddler started it.
@envydatropic
Time to get ready for work
Insomnia – OK. You can sleep now.