Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
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*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
crying
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.